Ever since I was a little girl, people have acted differently towards me for not being what they consider a “normal” size. It is something that has followed me through my teenage years in particular, and is still with me in adulthood.
I was often teased in primary school about my weight. My mother always said that I just had “puppy fat” and that I would “grow out of it”. Yet here we are, some seventeen years later, still rocking that double chin.
The teasing gradually turned into bullying, and by the time I was in secondary school (or high school if that’s what you prefer to call it) I was being followed home so fellow students could yell names at me. I was totally alienated and for what? Because I was a little heavier than some of the other students? It got so bad at one point I was even attacked by a group of girls from the year above me while it was filmed. This lead me to changing schools several times. I never fully settled and I hated my school-life.
Since I can remember I’ve struggled with accepting my body image, but lately it’s gotten worse for me. I’ve put on a lot of weight in the past six months, mainly due to being signed off work with depression, taking medication for that depression and then finally getting a new job – a new job that allows me to eat at my desk. I just seem to constantly shovel food down my throat, but the entire time the voice in my head is saying why?!
I don’t quite know what it is that makes me eat as excessively as I do; it could be boredom, or comfort, but to me it just feel as though I’m always hungry. I also find that no matter what fruit I try, it doesn’t make me feel full at all. I don’t really have a sweet tooth, but I’m a sucker for anything savoury. I could wake up and instead of wanting a normal breakfast, I will wake up with the craving for a cooked roast… I’m so weird. I feel as though I’m trapped in this vicious circle, I have little willpower and my anxiety makes it very difficult to go out and do things like jogging on my own.. because, you know, there’s people out there.
My friend from work has suggested that we go running together, and while I’m up it because I’ll finally have someone to go with, I am worried that I’ll do something to make a fool of myself. Anxiety makes you worry about the most ridiculous shit – but I’m getting side-tracked, this is about food, nothing else this time.
As I said, I am somewhat lacking in the willpower department. Now I’m getting married I’m certainly walking a thin line – I seem to be getting bigger all the time, but my goal is to lose at least 2 stone before my wedding in October 2019. While it is still quite a long way away, I worry that it’s not enough time to lose the weight that I’ve been carrying around with me for what feels like forever. If I’ve not been able to lose the weight over the course of 22 years, then what difference is 2 years going to make? No matter what I do, I am always easily swayed by a sweet-smelling pastry or bacon sandwich.
I know that I need to learn how to say no. I feel so unsexy in the way I look and it’s all because I find it damn-near impossible to turn down a cake. I’m sick of looking in the mirror unhappy with what is looking back at me – I know that I don’t need to lose weight to be beautiful, but I have no confidence in the way I look anymore. Something needs to change.
So guys, what I’m asking for today is help. I want to know your best tips for staying motivated, positive and strong! Leave a comment below, or contact me via my Instagram, my Twitter or my Facebook page.
I hope to hear from you beauties soon! Xoxo