Hi guys, long time no see.
I’d like to start off by saying that I’m so sorry for neglecting this blog over the past 2 weeks. I know it’s a pain for you guys who actually read my blog every week (I am so grateful for you beautiful lot!), especially since me posting on Sundays is a routine I’ve settled into over the past few months. I wanted to give you guys an update on what’s happening with me at the moment, as I haven’t written a life update in some time (despite promising one once a month.. I’m a terrible blogger smh).
I just want to say that this week’s post is very personal to me, and it may not be a comfortable read – I understand that this is not the usual thing that I write about for you guys, but writing about it has been like lifting a weight off of my shoulders. From next week I’d like to be back to normal in terms of what content I make for you to read, as well as some new things, too!
In terms of my health it has not been great lately, and I’m really struggling with loving and accepting my body at the moment due to this.
Two years ago I went through the saddest and most painful experience I have ever known. Two years ago, I was filled with mixed emotions: I had recently found myself to be pregnant. Today I look back on this experience as still being one of my most beloved memories, despite the trauma that followed. I sadly lost my baby at 12 weeks, and I don’t think I have ever truly been the same since.
The first thing you have to understand about miscarriage is that it is harrowing, draining and sadly it is common. Statistically, 1 in 4 women experience miscarriage in their lifetime. It is the single most painful (both physically and mentally) thing I’ve felt and it has left a lasting impact. In ways, it has made me more confused about my future than ever before.
Maybe it was a defence mechanism I had developed due to what happened in order to protect myself from real life. The first year after my pregnancy loss was a complete mess – I am not too proud to say that I drove people away and I was not a nice person to be around. The year after I shut myself away from any interaction with mothers my age. I told myself they were boring; devoted to their children and only their children – I never really believed this, even though I told myself it enough. Eventually, I was able to deal with my miscarriage without bursting into tears and being unbearable to be around – but it never left my mind fully and it probably never will.
Since then I have worked on my career a little, I worked hard to move department, which is the happiest I’ve ever been in my current job. I’ve been studying for my exams and I’ve also been putting a lot into this blog and my makeup portfolio. It’s given me something to focus on, but once again I can feel the tight grip of depression all around me. It feels like something that never lets you go.
In October my GP decided to test me for PCOS (Polycystic Ovary Syndrome) and Endometriosis due to some of my symptoms I had been experiencing. Both of these conditions are linked to infertility (though may not be the main causes) and it is not a nice feeling. I had many a discussion with my partner, and we came to the mutual decision to actually try to have a baby! How exciting! It is something I was not expecting my OH to actually suggest, as he has recently been given a managerial position at work.
We were very lucky in the sense that I fell pregnant within the first month of trying. I found this really strange because it was only the month prior that I was being tested for conditions that are linked to not being able to conceive – or at least linked to having great difficulty to conceive – but I was relieved. Both myself and Sean were incredibly excited and he was perfect during those precious few weeks. Unfortunately, those few weeks were all we had.
I started to bleed on the exact same day that I did two years ago with my first pregnancy. Alarm bells were going off in my mind, but I also tried to remain calm as it is perfectly normal to “spot” a little during the first three months and even after the first trimester has passed you by and the chance of miscarriage decreases. What I could not ignore, however, was the pain I was experiencing. It continued through the night and into my shift at work the next day. In the end, I had to go home. Luckily, work have been absolutely fantastic with me, and they have been very supportive. To cut this story short, purely because it is so difficult to write about, I lost my second pregnancy at 6 weeks.
My OH was perfect with me during this time. He has been my absolute rock and I couldn’t imagine a more attentive person at this frankly shitty time. We spent the week I had to be off work watching rom coms (Love Actually is actually an amazing film I never thought I would like!) and eating a lot of junk food. It isn’t easy, and after everything else this year, it really has been the final kick in the teeth that has been 2017. I’ve felt guilty because this is something that does affect my partner too, yet he has been the one looking after me. I feel helpless in this regard.
I do take some comfort in the fact that pregnancy isn’t impossible for us and it isn’t off the cards. For the first time in years, I know what I want my life to be. Yes, I want to focus on my writing and my blogging and maybe even YouTube in the next year, but I also want to have a family. It isn’t a case of having to choose between them – we can have both.
In case anyone reading this has had the same experience as me, I have linked a website that is there to support anyone going through pregnancy loss right here. The Miscarriage Association is a really great website that has many different avenues of support, from counselling to looking after the partners that have also experienced pregnancy loss.
Thanks for reading this week’s post and please remember that if you have any questions or comments then feel free to contact me.
See you next week! Xoxo